Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Sister’s Playoff Pick Winning Blog: Twilight: The Series/Romance Story/Teen Obsession Of The Early 21st Century

As you may know, my sister won the playoff pick contest between me and my family.  Her prize?  A blog written by me about a subject of her choice.  So ladies and gentleman, the phenomenon known as Twilight:

In the Twilight movies (and I assume books) it basically revolves around a girl and her choice between living with werewolves for the rest of her life, staying human and collecting casino revenue from her new husband, WMU student Taylor Lautner.  Or she can choose to be a vampire with a group of about 14 other really good looking vampires and live a rich and pampered vampire for the rest of her undead life with absolutely no downside to being a vampire at all.  Meanwhile, she does normal high school stuff like go to dances, try to help her 27 year old friend deal with being prettier and more Oscar worthy, going to chemistry class and try to find a lab partner and hang out with dad, who is by far the best character in the entire series. 

Along the way, the vampires and werewolves fight because they do in every other movie dating back to Abbott and Costello meets Dracula and the Wolf Man Fighting over Something.  It is really getting old.  Don’t zombies fight somebody nor have feuds?  Why is always those two?  Anyways, they fight over protecting her and keeping her safe because although she is incredibly normal, she is special and this point is told to us about 30 times a scene.  Just accept the fact she is special and the whole thing goes by smoother. 

The first movie is basically where we all know everyone is a vampire but Bella is oblivious to it all.  Her better looking and more outgoing friend tells her they all can’t be out in the light, that they are pale, that the keep to themselves, they don’t like garlic in their Italian food.  Bella kind of wanders aimlessly and meets some new friends while she is awkwardly friendly towards everyone in the town of about 354 people.  Her dad, by far the best character in the series, has a legendary mustache and is the town’s sheriff, trying to solve the mystery of all the vampire related deaths started by a clan of other good looking youthful strong vampires that just came into town.  The vampire, Edward, hates the werewolf, Jacob, thus explaining Team Edward and Team Jacob stuff you have heard on Burger King Commercials.  Some guy dies in the end.  That is the first movie.

The other two films that have been released (out of five movies) were mostly the same, where there is some fighting, some other bad vampires, the enemies teaming up for some reason, and Bella not knowing what is going on.  Luckily, her dad’s mustache is there to bring us some masculinity in this movie series.  Dakota Fanning is in one of the movies for no reason too. 

Overall, it’s not a terrible movie series, and it’s even better if you throw in some rifftrax.  You can do much worse to waste an afternoon watching some of these movies.  To improve the final two movies, I’d have the soundtracks done by the classic metal band Europe; add a few machine guns, and Bruce Willis and Bill Murray.  Then, the movies could be watchable for people of all ages.  And all the boyfriends dragged to these movies could resist chewing their arms off before the movie is over.

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